After The Birth

After A1 went home with Family1, I went to my parent house for a few weeks.  I needed to be around family.  It was a hard time.

We had our first meeting, Family1 and I just a few weeks after A1 was born.  It was scary.  I was sick to my stomach for about a week before the meeting and three days after.  I cried for an hour in my car after our meeting before I could drive home.  It was SO great to see her, to see how wonderful she doing, how happy she was.  It was also SO painful to let her go again.

As our meetings kept going, the hurting before has lessened now to only about a day before we meet I get really anxious and start to have melt down.  I used to joke with my friend, it was pointless to eat at the meeting, since I was just going to throw it all up after anyhow.  I no longer cry right after, but only because I don't want to cry in front of my girls.  My husband lets me have time to myself after we get home, and he knows I go into our room and "let it out" for an hour or so after.

Don't get me wrong, I know I made the right decision and I don't regret it.  Both A1 and my lives would be in very different places had I not chosen Family1.  Even though it was right, it still isn't easy.  I don't foresee ever not feeling the need to cry after a meeting, there are so many emotions for me, it's really the only place they can go.  I hope that the meetings will continue, I love seeing A1 and Family1.

The meetings are always a little awkward, because I never really know what to say to A1.  I try to ask about what she likes and how she is doing in school or sports, but she is shy, and I don't want her to think that I ask 1 million questions.  I'll bet she doesn't really know what to say to me either, and that's ok.  After all, we are basically re-meeting each other every time we get together.  The meetings don't happen as often as they used to, and that makes me sad, but our families are busy, and schedules just don't click like they used to.  I hope that we can stay meeting a few times a year, but I see them dwindling and my hope keeps fading.