The Non-Mother-In-Law

One day, I was at work.  'Fred's' mother (FredMom) came in and saw that I was pregnant.  She approached me (my boss had to intervene) and demanded to know who that father was.  This surprised me, because I thought 'Fred' had already told her.  Guess not.

A few days later, I received a telephone call from 'Fred', only it wasn't him.  It was his mother.  She wanted to meet me to talk about the adoption.  I thought it would be ok.  I must have known something wouldn't be right, because I mentioned it to my BMC.  She thought I should have someone go with me, but I didn't think FredMom would go psycho on me.

So, at the dinner, FredMom had a new plan for me to follow.  She thought the idea of adoption would be great, but I NEEDED to choose a member of her family that was unable to have children.  Surprisingly, they met my criteria, except that they were HIS family members.  'Fred' and FredMom would have full access to her, while they could cut me out at anytime!

Open adoption was chosen so that we would have access to A1.  I wanted some access to the baby.  I wanted to know who she became, even if it was only through emails, letters or telephone calls with Family1.  Yes, I wanted continued contact with A1, but I also know what it's like to question who your parents are and if you "really" want yo have them as your parents.  I was not going to get in the way of that.  I want to know the person A1 becomes, even if she doesn't want me in her life.  I needed an advocate who would be able to let me know how she was doing, even if A1 wouldn't tell me herself.  With 'Fred's' family, there was no one who would be on my side.  Plus, I had already told Family1 that I chose them.  FredMom basically said f-them, but I couldn't.  I really felt connected to them and trusted that they would provide for the baby.

I explained to FredMom why this would not be a good idea.  That Fred may not feel comfortable seeing the baby at family gatherings.  I explained that I had already chosen Family1 and was not going to meet anyone new.  This was the family that was chosen, but me and by 'Fred'.  If she had a problem with it, then she would have to take it up with 'Fred'.  There was NO way I was going to let her family get my baby.  I made it clear to her, if she was going to make 'Fred' stop the adoption, he was going to support me and the baby for the rest of her life.  'Fred' was going to have to step up and be a father.  I left the dinner feeling sick to my stomach.  A pregnant woman left a restaurant, with a plate untouched.

Now, I include this page in here to express this:
All you soon-to-be grandparents, the decision of adoption is strictly a decision for biological parents to make.  You need to be supportive of their decision to parent or to place.  It is not you who will raise this child, it is them.  If they feel it is best to let them go, then you need to respect them.  It is a hard thing to do.  Don't make it harder by telling them they are doing the wrong thing.  It may not have been a choice that you would have made, but it takes a lot of courage to make this decision.  It is NOT for you to decide for them.

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